Grief is not something you "get over"

Grief is a universal human experience, yet it manifests uniquely in each person. Whether we grieve the loss of a loved one, a pet, the end of a relationship, or a major life transition, the emotions that arise can feel overwhelming. It is important to understand that grief is not something to "get over" but rather a process to move through with care and compassion.

My Personal Experience with Grief

I have experienced many losses throughout my life—some tragic and sudden, others expected and gradual. I have also had the privilege of walking alongside others through their grief. 

What I’ve learned is that with deep love comes deep grief; that grief ebbs and flows, can be sudden, and that it brings lessons, heartache, laughter, and tears. It shows up differently for different people. Quite often, grief is physical, leading to fatigue, brain fog and insomnia.

My dad died in January of this year after a long battle with cancer. I miss him every day and think of him often. What I wouldn’t give for one more conversation or hug. I also feel beyond grateful for the relationship we had and the amount of time we had to say goodbye and process the loss before he passed. My brothers, mom, and I were able to be with him as he left this world, and it was surprisingly peaceful.

Different Types of Grief

While grief is a deeply personal experience, there are different types that can add complexity to the process:

Cumulative Grief: Occurs when you're grieving multiple losses, making the grieving process more difficult, layered and complex.

Complicated Grief: A prolonged and intense state of mourning that hinders the ability to heal and move forward, often characterized by persistent sorrow and preoccupation with the loss. This may occur when the relationship with the dying was complicated or when there is strife and conflict within the remaining family unit. You may grieve not only the loss of the person but the loss of what you wished the relationship could have been. 

Disenfranchised Grief: Grief that is not recognized or validated by society, leaving the bereaved feeling unheard and unsupported. An example of this is infant loss. I have walked closely beside loved ones who have experienced these incredibly devastating losses.

There are many experts about grief, including William Worden and Alan Wolfelt. William Worden describes four tasks when mourning: 1) accept the reality of the loss 2) work through the pain of grief 3) adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing 4) find a new form of connection to the deceased and move forward with living life.  Alan Wolfelt provides a list of 10 items in the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights” which includes a person’s right to their unique experience of grief and to feeling a multitude of emotions.

Coping with Grief

Healing from grief does not mean forgetting or “getting over it”; it means finding ways to integrate the loss into your life. 

Here are some strategies that may help:

Allow Yourself to Feel – Suppressing emotions can prolong suffering. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

Seek Support – Lean on friends, family, or support groups. Talking about your grief can be healing and so can simply spending time with others.

Create Rituals – Honoring the loss through small rituals, such as lighting a candle or journaling, can provide comfort.

Take Care of Your Body and Go Back to the Basics– Prioritize sleep, nutrition,  rest, and movement.

Be Gentle with Yourself and Recognize Limits-Recognize that your capacity and energy may ebb and flow and be gentle with yourself about this; notice what expectations you are placing on yourself

If you are struggling with grief, know that you are not alone. Healing is not about forgetting, but about finding ways to carry love and memories forward and to continue building your life around the grief. 

If you need support, professional counseling can provide guidance and space for your grief to be acknowledged and processed with care. There are also numerous community resources that may be helpful while grieving including: Hospice, Bereaved Families of Ontario and Grief Share.