The Power of Connection (Couples)

Thanks to my friend and fellow therapist Katie Lamport for this guest blog post:

Some people believe that relationships break down because of poor communication skills. And, although this can be true, I am going to suggest that underneath of missed attempts to communicate are missed attempts to connect. 

There seems to be an increased request for couples counselling recently. I believe one of the reasons is because we are all so busy and have decreased connections out of necessity and survival. 

Dr. Brene Brown says that “connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued – when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”. 

Here are some ideas for practicing paths of connection in your relationship:

Connect with your own emotions 

There is evidence to support that when we recognize what emotion we are feeling, we experience relief. You’ll know you’ve found the right name for your emotion when your body recognizes and connects with that emotional word. For example, if I believe I am angry because I am picking up clothes off the floor when the laundry basket is nearby, when I peel back a layer, I may be feeling hurt or dismissed. Emotions sheets can help with this exercise. https://www.pspnet.ca/assets/the-gottman-institute-the-feeling-wheel-v2.pdf

Connect with your partner by sharing how you feel

Try using a WIN statement: 

      When you… (insert what is happening using non-judgemental language)

      I feel… (insert emotion as identified above)

 (I) Need… (share what you are hoping will change)

Connect with your partner by validating how they feel

Try using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ as this allows both statements to exist at the same time (“I know I hurt you BUT you hurt me first” vs. “I know you are hurt AND I am hurting too”).  Another great way to validate your partner is by repeating back what they have said to you. Or by asking a curious question about what they have told you. Dr. John Gottman says that “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world”.

Reconnect through repair 

Repairing after disconnection can be a great way to connect with your partner. Admit when there was a missed attempt to hear what your partner was trying to say to you. Repair the missed attempt by apologizing, trying again, or by asking how you can better understand what they are trying to tell you. Dr. Gottman provides a checklist of ideas for repair at: https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

Connect with support 

Counselling has helped many couples find paths to reconnection. It can be difficult to reach out and ask for help – yet this type of support can be such a valuable investment for yourself and your relationship.

Find out more about Katie and her practice here: https://www.mainstreamtherapy.com/team/katie-lamport